I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
