Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
