please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
