I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
