my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I cut my penus on the lid.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
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Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
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This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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