wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
