my vag is so smooth its legendary
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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