any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
