Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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