I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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