I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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