I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We're too hungover to prance.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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