when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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