i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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