A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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