my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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