You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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