im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
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