I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
