Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
