she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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