If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
