my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I pour the whiskey from now on
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
