my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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