I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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