my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
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Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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