There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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