youre lurking in front of me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
