So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
