I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
