Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
