I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
