So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
