just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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