I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
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Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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