is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
