how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
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Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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