I just made out with a guy for $7.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
