wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
