Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
