i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
