Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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