The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
