I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
