My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
