im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
