i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
