Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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