It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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