guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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