My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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