I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
