so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
