The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
