I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
