Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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