im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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