we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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