I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
