Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
