i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
