Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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