my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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