Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
