but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
