Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
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His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
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I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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