i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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