Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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